Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)