Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now