[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“and how does that make you feel?”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up