Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.