Herpes is trending, good job people
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.