Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”