tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed