I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
then why did i get this email
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…