Nice try, poison.
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My love language is deader than Latin
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…