Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Cheer up.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
No chill.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog