Don’t forget to tip your server
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Them: You should try keto
Me:
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣