I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You Might Also Like
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”