DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
CRYING
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Who says great literature is dead?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.