I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends