My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?