On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
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It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”