“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Every damn time
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.