I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.