It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.