I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*gets down on one knee*
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.