I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
☺️
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
the greatest twitter interaction
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?