Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated