I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
the official breakfast of 2021