I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
So creative 😂
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”