My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Great, now I have to pee.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Time for evil
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.