My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I came this close!!!!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
shampoo implies shampee
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it