Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My Guy
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself