I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.