BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
So we got a goldfish…
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
this is the greatest thing ever
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.