One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They did not think through this water fountain
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now