I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.