The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
You Might Also Like
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.