*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I feel seen.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.