*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Real House Wines.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!