People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Something Saturday.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.