the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.