i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
nobody’s gonna understand
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears