Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?