If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.