They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?