Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I only treason on days ending in y
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Oceanography is all about current events
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
worst…sale…ever
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.