In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You Might Also Like
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
bears
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow