“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
You Might Also Like
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I created you as mosquito food.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?