Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.