Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I am never leaving this website
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken