That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?