me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.