Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.