I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
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lol
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Classic German Shepherd 😂
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.