Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.